What Do You Get the General Who Has Everything?

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As you're patrolling, you find yourself in front of a massive set of impossibly heavy blast doors. Before you can do anything, the doors open slowly, dramatically, with just a hint of escaping steam. At first you think the room is simply dark, but you realize that there is something blocking most of the lights. Something big. And metal. And black.

Before you can start to worry about that, or appreciate the foreshadowing, a man steps into a little pool of light that was just off to your left. He's a tall, gaunt man, wearing an immaculately pressed military uniform. He has numerous ribbons on his chest and... seven stars on each lapel. Seven? Is he even allowed to do that?

"General Malaise, I presume," you offer, as required by your role as superhero.

"Indeed I am, <player>," his voice is gruff and has an ever so slight southern accent to it. Not enough to distract, but just enough that you know it's there. "Don't be surprised, <player>. My forces have been watching you for a long time. We know all about you, which is why I have prepared for your arrival. It was only a matter of time before you noticed all the Handwavium I was... acquiring. Actually, I'm a little surprised it took you so long."

"Well, with all the robots and death squads, it took a little time. Sue me."

"Actually, I'm glad it took this long. It gave me a chance to finish my masterpiece! All this time building and planning... selling cheap guns to people who needed them... it was all so I could invent and build something so massive, so powerful that only my army of unborn could defeat it!"

He goes on like this for quite some time. For awhile, you stand there heroically, but your feet start to hurt. You shuffle around a little, yawn, stretch, and generally wonder why he's revealing his master plan to you.

"...nanoprocessors! Do you have any idea how expensive those things are? How long it took to amass the hundreds and thousands that I needed? R&D was set back for weeks, let me tell you..."

Perhaps being an insane, misanthropic, megalomaniac is lonely work. You stifle your third yawn before starting to wonder if monologuing you to death is part of his master plan. Eventually, you can't take it any more, and just interrupt him, "Er, excuse me, General? That's all very fascinating and such, but do you think we can just get on with it?"

"Well," he looks a little put out, "You can't really appreciate the beauty of it without all the specifics..."

"Be that as it may, I have work in the morning, and really can't afford to spend all night. Think of it as a favor to me," you offer.

"Fine. Be that way. Robot, kill her." He pulls out a little remote and that mountain of black metal you noticed way back when you first got down here hums to life. Uh-oh.

Time to Fight


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