Matarkhis
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You are fighting a matarkhis.
This a matarkhis. It's the very model of a modern Zion's Tears general. Doesn't really roll off the tongue, does it? No wonder it prefers warfare to musical theater.
Your opponent attacks ...
Hit messages:
- He sings a few lines from his new script. You don't even think Bialystock and Bloom would be interested. damage + (sonic) damage
- Frustrated by a lack of success stabbing you, the matarkhis clouts you with a massive hammer. You decide it's better not to know where he's been keeping that.
- He sounds the horn at his belt, summoning an archon from down the hall to give you a couple good stabs.
It hits you for X damage.
Critical hit message:
Your opponent has a critical hit! It hits you for X damage.
Miss messages:
- He sings a few lines from his new script. You suggest he take it to Bialystock and Bloom.
- Frustrated by his lack of success stabbing you, the matarkhis goes looking for a massive hammer. By the time he finds it, it's already your turn again.
- He sounds the horn at his belt in a touching, but ultimately disastrous, attempt at redemption.
Fumble messages:
Your foe fumbles! It takes X damage.
Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!
You gain 68 experience.
You got an item: big honkin' hammer 
(19.1 ± 3%)
You got an item: shield of Zion 
(24.4 ± 3.2%)
You got an item: platinum necklace 
(48.6 ± 3.8%)
You got an item: horn of Zion 
(30.3 ± 3.5%)
Known resistances/weaknesses
50% resistant to sonic damage.
50% weak to electric damage.
Locations
References
- The description refers to the Major-General's Song from Gilbert and Sullivan's comic opera The Pirates of Penzance, which starts with the words "I am the very model of a modern Major-General".
- The first hit and miss messages mention Bialystock and Bloom, the two protagonists of The Producers.
- In the second hit message, the matarkhis most likely kept his hammer in Hammerspace.
- The third miss message refers to Boromir blowing the Horn of Gondor in The Two Towers.