Royals and the Tannenbaum

Royals and the Tannenbaum

You are fighting Royals and the Tannenbaum.

A collaboration effort made up of members of other royally named bands, this band consists of an American jack who spends half of his time singing in falsetto, a flamboyant Brit who spends half of his time singing in falsetto, a Danish diamond who spends most of his time shrieking in a very weird falsetto, and a drum machine situated in a Christmas tree.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

They all band together, pull out a giant rubber band, and smack it against your skin.
The band turns up a loudspeaker and blasts you with a deafening chord. (sonic) damage
The band smashes a guitar over your head, shattering it. The guitar, not your head. Though it's pretty close with your head, too.

He hits you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! He hits you for X damage.

Miss messages:

They try to rock your world, but you roll to the side and dodge.
The band tries to blast you with music, but the acoustic instruments don't get nearly loud enough.
The band tries to submit you to their worst riot impression, but it's a quiet riot, and mostly harmless.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! He takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain 12-31 chips.

You gain (Level*8, cap 250) experience.

You got an item: band-aid (15.2 ± 0.8%)
You got an item: bandana (14.9 ± 0.8%)
You got an item: bandolier (15.9 ± 0.9%)
You got an item: bandwagon (3.1 ± 0.4%)
You got an item: banned book (3 ± 0.4%)