small-time smuggler

You are fighting a small-time smuggler.

You're facing sailor John Canary, prince of the small-time smugglers. He's got a crazed, glazed look in his eye, and he smells of rum. Lots of rum.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

He slaps you painfully across the face. You rub the sore spot, musing to yourself, "Not sure I deserved that." He hits you again. "I may have deserved that," you decide.
You weave and dodge, but his attack connects anyway. You will always remember this as the day you almost dodged sailor John Canary.
The smuggler pulls out a pistol and shoots it drunkenly in a direction that's nowhere near you. It ricochets off three pieces of metal and the concrete of the dock before hitting you in the leg.
"That's not possible!" you shout.
"No, improbable," the smuggler insists.

He hits you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! He hits you for X damage.

Miss messages:

He takes a swipe at you but misses. "Really bad eggs," he mutters.
You have absolutely no idea what that's supposed to mean.
Before he can attack, a small monkey appears and starts chattering at the smuggler. Completely forgetting about you, the seaman scampers after the monkey like a madman until it disappears again.
"Parley!" you shout. Sailor Canary cocks his head to one side and then scrabbles around in a sack and plucks out a sprig of parsley, which he hands to you. Apparently he misunderstood, but you're not going to complain.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! He takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain 56-93 chips.

You gain 74 experience.

You got an item: smuggler's box (76 ± 3.1%)
You got an item: seventh of nine (21.8 ± 3%)
You got an item: white elephant gift (12.8 ± 2.4%)
You got an item: refound marbles (24.8 ± 3.1%)