Ugly mugger

ugly mugger

You are fighting an ugly mugger.

Standing just inside the shadows of an alley you encounter an ugly mugger. By which I mean both that he's got a really unpleasant face, and he's committing the unpleasant crime of trying to mug you.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

The mugger drops a witty line and then shoots both of your parents. No, wait, your parents aren't here so he just shoots you.
They say that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone. With that knowledge, can you guess how far this guy's attacks penetrate?
He hits you with his weapon and takes some of your chips. That's what muggers normally do, right?

He hits you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! He hits you for X damage.

Miss messages:

He says, "Give me your money, I have a gub." The two of you spend the next few minutes arguing over whether he said gun or gub. You decide it would have counted if he had a cold, but since he doesn't then saying gub doesn't mean anything.
"It's always take, take, take," you shout. "How come you never give back?" Chagrined, he backs off.
He points a chip at you and demands you hand over all your weapons. Then he realizes what he just said and turns away in embarrassment.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! He takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain 49-82 chips.