Unpunctual bandits

unpunctual bandits

You are fighting the unpunctual bandits.

The bandits probably have some sob story about their dog eating their homework or getting stuck in a time vortex, but you know they've just been hitting snooze for the last hundred years. But now that they're finally here, they're ready to jump some claims, rustle some cattle, heist some trains, and spindle some multiple choice exams.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

They try to ride up to you, but pull up on the reins too late and run you over instead.
You accidentally drop a spoiler about the Titanic and they go ballistic on you.
The bandits eschew their irons for insults and it turns out the old ones still sting. (psychic) damage

They hit you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! They hit you for X damage.

Miss messages:

They try to run you down with a classic cavalry charge, but are a hundred years too late.
You accidentally tell them what the island was all along, but it turns out they haven't even started watching it yet.
You're pretty sure these lame-o's are trying to start a beef, but their cant is totally wack.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! They takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain ?-135-214-? chips.