Aggravated protestor

aggravated protestor

You are fighting an aggravated protestor.

A woman waving a protest sign lurches out of the crowd, swinging the sign like a club at anything in her path. You appear to be in her path.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

The aggravated protester subjects you to aggravated assault.
She smashes her protest sign over your head, breaking it into little pieces. The sign, not your head.
The protestor chants, "8 - 6 - 4 - 2! Club your shins and pelvis, too!" She proceeds to follow through on her threat.

She hits you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! She hits you for X damage.

Miss messages:

The aggravated protester subjects you to some real pro testing. Turns out your cholesterol levels are good, but your blood pressure is a little high. Might want to keep an eye on that, sometime when you're not in the middle of a fight.
She swings and misses you, shattering her protest sign into pieces against the sidewalk. You tread carefully to avoid splinters and come out okay.
The protestor chants, "2 - 4 - 6 - 8! Smash your toes and break your, uh, what body part rhymes with eight?" Confused, she fails to follow through.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! She takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain 23-27 chips.

You gain 36 experience.

You got an item: shattered protest sign (33.9 ± 4.8%)
You got an item: outraged political flyer (9.3 ± 2.9%)
You got an item: broken PDA (9.8 ± 3%)