Difference between revisions of "Turkey feather wand"

Revision as of 07:43, 11 November 2013

turkey feather wand
Plural: turkey feather wands
The core of this wand is made from a single feather of the rare and valuable golden turkey. It's sort of like a phoenix, except instead of drawing its power from the cycle of death and rebirth, it draws its power from the cycle of terrible movies being pushed out every year.

It's an open question which one is more powerful.

November 2013 Item of the Month

Melee weapon (Bashing, small)
Power: 10
Item cannot be auto-sold
Item cannot be worn in runs with a 'no pulls' restriction

+25% spell damage
+5% chance of spell critical hits.**
+5% chance of enemy fumbles**
Channels the power of terrible movies

** Fumble and critical hit values are capped at +/- 20%.

The Wok of Stars

• Available for 10 silver stars during November of 2013.
  

During combat, grants a couple exclusive Openings:

• Hilarious Voiceover shakes your opponents' mind and confidence. (when foe fumbles)

You channel the power of a thousand terrible movies for good... or at least good practice for making fun of <foe>. Your practiced jibes deal X damage and shake his confidence. (-X Defense, -X Offense)

• Swish and Flick to summon the concentrated awfulness of a thousand terrible movies. (spell critical hit)

You extend the turkey feather wand, summoning the concentrated awfulness of a thousand terrible movies.

followed by:

It takes the form of a man in a gorilla suit and a space helmet. He bludgeons the <foe> for X damage.

or

It burns the <foe>, causing X damage of toxic troma... err, trauma.

or

It takes the form of a prequel to Array's favorite movie, scarring it for X damage.

or

It takes the form of a electric tingler, like a joy buzzer, but gimmicky enough to deal X damage.

or

Their terrible magic summons every frozen turkey in Hoboken. They bury the <foe> for X damage.

or

It takes the form of tiny flaming UFOs that look supiciously like paper plates. They crash into the <foe> for X damage.

or

It gets louder and louder, attempting to compensate for its awfulness through volume, but only succeeds in doing X damage.

The usual Small Bashing Weapons weapon messages are replaced by the following:

Hit

• you schlock your opponent for X damage.
• you slash your wand at your opponent. It never gets close, but they fall over like it hit for X damage.
• your special effects are so bad your opponent never sees the X damage coming.
• you remember your friend Ed's suggestion to never give up. Heartened, you swing at your opponent for X damage. Ed would be proud.
• you distract your opponent with a monologue worthy of a Casino's Choice Awards... or whatever the opposite of that is, then crack them with your wand for X damage.

Miss

• you try to schlock your opponent, but it's never really the same when it's terrible on purpose.
• you slash your wand at your opponent. It hits clean, but your opponent misses the cue to fall down. Amateurs.
• your special effects are so bad your opponent can't tell if you're attacking or not.
• you remember your friend Ed's suggestion to stay away from violence, so you choose not to attack. Ed would be proud.
• you launch into a monologue worthy of the Casino's Choice Awards... or whatever the opposite of that is. Your opponent takes the opportunity to get an attack in.

Fumble

You fumble, covering your opponent in a flurry of golden turkey feathers. Actually, your opponent is so distracted, it's not really that bad at all.

Critical

• you critically hit for X damage! There's no accounting for taste.

Notes

• Fumble message delevels foe by 5 to 10 FT.
• When bought: The shopkeeper nods gravely and hands you the wand. As you touch it, a beacon of light shines down as the power of every terrible movie ever made flows through you.

References

• Text makes a reference to The Golden Turkey Awards, a book listing the films considered to be the worst of all time.
• The man in a gorilla suit and a space helmet is a reference to Robot Monster.
• One of the hit/miss messages references the Casino's Choice award, another IOTM.