High-sailing accountant

high-sailing accountant

You are fighting a high-sailing accountant.

Um. Well. Huh. I'm really not sure how to describe this guy. Think accountant with delusions of piracy.
Your opponent attacks ...

Hit messages:

He ups your premium semi-annually. You don't know what that means, but you can feel your bank account cringing. (psychic) damage
The accountant marks you up with his red pen until you're bleeding ink. Literally.
He slashes at you with his cutlass. Despite the name, it actually works just as well on lads.

He hits you for X damage.

Critical hit message:

Your opponent has a critical hit! He hits you for X damage.

Miss messages:

He threatens your premium but you handle your own finances.
He calls for full speed ahead, threatening to crash you into the shoals of bankruptcy, but everybody's learned to ignore this loon
He threatens to uproot the whole building and sail over to plunder your hideout. The only threat here is strain from rolling your eyes so much.

Fumble messages:

Your foe fumbles! He takes X damage.

Victory! You beat up your foe and win the combat!

You gain 94-157 chips.

You gain 125 experience.

You got an item: eyepatch (Unspecified Drop rate)
You got an item: rubber cutlass (Unspecified Drop rate)
You got an item: red pen (Unspecified Drop rate)